Community: Moving Beyond
The "War between the Sexes"
Some symptoms: 4
different stories
.....
"To understand the story of
Jim and I it would be easiest for me to tell you in
person. A long story. Suffice it to say I
loved him, lost him, and he came back into my life professing love. I
realized what a scag he is and that nothing had changed except that a part of
me wanted it that way. I set myself up for a world of hurt which
happened,"
"I bought a brand new bed for
my master bedroom. I LOVE IT! It was delivered yesterday. I
have this kind of "pledge" I've made to myself... I don't want to
share that bed with anyone who doesn't show great signs of being very much in
love with me."
"I have done something
tonight I am not proud of. Currently I am drunk and know that I am this
way because I have allowed myself to be hurt once more by the same man
again. I wanted to run, scream, whatever. Most of all I just wanted
to feel warm and loved. I cannot believe that I have allowed myself to
listen to him again. He really did know all the right buttons."
"My father adored me as a child and in my marriage my husband did too. That's all I really want. After my husband died, I've looked and looked trying to find someone like that again. I just want to have someone who will adore me."
Confusing Symptoms, Sex and the
Real Source of
Relationship Pain,
Failure & Loneliness
Why does there seem to be so much confusion, hurt and pain around the subject
of relationships? Why do so many relationships fail? Why do so many
relationships continue on in sometimes horrific conditions of abuse, conflict
or neglect; or at best continue on in a slightly warmed up version of the
"procession of the living dead" with little or no vitality or joy
being present? Is it possible that we are confusing satisfying the
immediate symptoms of not having a relationship with the deeper aspects
of human interaction which will truly provide for an enduring and deeply
satisfying total relationship? Is it possible that we have been given
ideas handed down from one generation to another for eons (with the best
intentions of the giver) which are really false or at best limiting when it
comes to generating successful relationships?
The answer seems to be dramatically "YES !"
to both of these questions.
To start out, let's look at the simple reality of ideas handed down from one
generation to another, to another .... to yet another; such that finally the particular idea, or
cluster of ideas, seems to be "natural", something that we
"should just know" or something that is "just the right way to
be". One rather infamous example of this flow of a contaminated idea
was the situation of the Hatfields and McCoys.
These were two family clans located
in
The situation evolved to the place
that 2 perfectly innocence babies could be born roughly at the same time, one
in each of the two clans; and these 2 babies would grow up with the thought
given to them (directly and indirectly) that it was perfectly "natural and
good" to kill "one of those damned Hatfields" or "one of those
damned McCoys". Time and time again, there would be incidents where
someone would have "success" in doing exactly that. One of
those 2 babies, now grown up some number of years, would be killed. Of
course each time it happened, one clan had its own "natural" rage
fueled condemnation of the opposing clan reinforced; and the cycle of loss,
pain, despair, hate and violence deepened.
Could the same thing (in a slightly milder form) be happening at times with
men, women and the relationships they have, don't have, or seek to have with
each other? To present just a couple of current thought forms:
Are all men really just "scags" who want to get into a woman's pants,
have a good time for a while and then leave? Are all women really
just "manipulators" who try to trap a man through sex, into being a
"wallet" for them and their children? Could these and other
ideas, be false? Are these derogatory surmises about the opposite gender,
really generated from false ideas given to us about what is really important in
a relationship? Are these ideas seductive because they come from attempts
to address an immediately present "symptom" or "hunger"
when a relationship is not present; but which are false because they don't
address deeper human aspects that truly support a relationship?
All of us, both men and women, have basic needs
of safety and security. In our culture, much of this first level of need
gets focused upon having money, or having access to someone with money.
After this there occurs the natural needs of
sexuality, sensuality, pleasure and comfort. This involves not only
the pleasure of sexuality, but also the needs for companionship and not being
lonely; the pleasure and comfort of snuggling with someone at night as one
example.
There are certainly other needs that naturally occur for us after or in
addition to these basic needs. For example, the need to have some degree
of power and control over one's own life and its direction is a fairly
universal need. It's easy to see this in just about everyone when
they hit their teenage years and start struggling for independence from their
parents. Yet in adulthood in our culture, and removed from much contact
with their original family grouping; many men and women who are not in
'relationship' are not faced immediately with questions about satisfying power
and control needs. They are often immediately faced with questions of getting
enough sex and warm sensual companionship.
It hurts to be alone. It is uncomfortable and unhealthy to not have
enough sensuality and sexuality in our lives. Science has finally
demonstrated that sensuality and sexuality are biologically "good"
for us. In addition to loneliness in-and-of itself, we now know that one important
aspect of "love" is the simple act of someone paying attention to
us. Particularly when we are removed from our original family (assuming
it was at least fairly "decent"), being out of a relationship often
also means we don't directly experience this basic element of being
loved. The sentence from one of this article's starting statements,
"Most of all I just wanted to feel warm
and loved.", speaks strongly to this initial set of basic needs and the
drive to fill them.
Here in lies the seduction. Is is easy to want to finally get enough
sexual and sensual pleasure again, and to feel appreciated and
"loved" (someone is paying attention to us) because we are supplying
that same sexual/sensual pleasure back to them. It is also easy at times
to start "trading" money/safety/security needs back and forth with
sexual/sensual/pleasure needs. Is there anything wrong with any of
this? Absolutely not! What doesn't work is having the expectation
(the idea) that doing this trading will generate a relationship that will last
or which will remain vital and joyful. A variation on this theme is the
seduction of staying trapped in an old childhood perspective (an idea) like, "I just want to have someone who will adore
me." Here too, the old idea is not
one which will sustain a joyfully vital relationship.
Time and time again (just like the Hatfield's and McCoy's) we have been given essentially unchallenged ideas that doing this
"trading" is the right thing or the natural thing, or that if we just
recapture what we had in a childhood relationship all will be well. Yet
if we pay attention at all, we notice that it really doesn't work long term for
keeping a happy relationship going.
We humans have other needs to be
satisfied: needs beyond safety and security, and beyond sexuality and
pleasure. If we fully satisfy our basic needs for safety and
sexuality/sensuality, we notice that there is indeed a need to have some power
and control over our lives. We notice there is a need to be loved
and to love. Beyond that there is a need to creatively express
ourselves. And finally there is an existential need to try to answer the
questions of "What is life all about?", "What is this sense of
unity I have with other human beings when I am really peaceful, all about?",
"Why is there pain?", "What happens when I die?", etc.
We just don't stop in our needs when
the basic ones of money, safety and sexual/sensual pleasure are
answered. To have a relationship which is fully
"successful", we as men and women need to establish a connection
which supports not only safety and sexual/sensual pleasure, but also goes
beyond this to fully support each person. That is to fully support them
in experiencing success in developing their own
power, success in being loved and being able to love, success in developing and
expressing their own creativity, and finally success in trying to answer the
fundamental questions of existence.
Just as the Hatfield's and McCoy's were hurt by being isolated from innovative
outside thought, so are we men and women hurt by being isolated in such a quest
for a full and meaningful relationship. We need to have others around us
who know there is more to life than the old idea of money, safety and
sex. We need to be in a community of others who will support us (as we
support them) in going beyond just treating the initial symptoms of missing
"safety, sex, and pleasure" when we don't have a relationship;
to encouraging our success in meeting all of our human needs.
Eric N. Best, Ph.D. (C) Copyright October 4, 2000
"Relationship Supportive Community"
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